Attachment. Could You Be Too Attached to It?

This lovely letter comes from our reader, Cosmic Debris.

Dear Daisy,

I think your blog and your advice are delightfully thoughtful and helpful. I so enjoyed the always genius George Carlin, and your essay on how much crap we allow on the lawn of our life is thought provoking in such a fun way!

I am writing not so much for advice per se, rather to get your philosophical take on the following (if you don’t mind…):
I just read this quote by Theodore Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss): “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

I have mixed feelings on that statement. By nature, I am a fairly easygoing, grateful person. A bit of a hippie sensibility even though I was born too late for all of that (can hippie genes be passed along? If so, thank you Daddy!) I try to learn from my mistakes and unpleasant experiences and have few regrets in life.

That said, my reaction to dear Dr. Seuss’ eloquent bit of ‘don’t cry over spilled milk, be happy you had a sip before you wasted it’, was at first “Aww…that is so true” and then almost immediately (to quote the late, great Amy Winehouse) “What kind of f*ckery is this?”. I mean, gratitude is fabulous, but in certain situations…oh, say, losing a great love, or maybe when the dog eats your Manolos, I find it hard to be grateful for having someone/something so beloved unexpectedly yanked away while I was still fully enthralled. While I would totally cherish the time spent with that love and wearing those shoes (to keep with the example…I don’t actually have a dog..),sudden loss is so hard sometimes (I could get over the shoes, but the love??).  Is this selfish and/or unenlightened of me? I seriously try not to be either of those things if I can help it. Eastern philosophy speaks of ‘attachment’ as an affliction, but sometimes it just feels soooo good!

Thanks, Daisy.
Peace!
Cosmicdebris

Dear Cosmicdrebris,

First of all thank you so much for your kind words about the blog; they are greatly appreciated!

Now on to your question.  First I considered the Theodore Geisel quote ( which I had never heard before, so thanks) :“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”  I think this may apply to more than just a transitory “spilled milk” situation.  I think he may also be talking about bigger life events, or phases of life and relationships.  Either way, indeed, attachment is the hitch, as they say.

But is attachment an “affliction” as Eastern philosophy perceives it?  It certainly can be experienced that way.  And yet,  as you say, it really can feel SO  good sometimes.  It seems to be an integral part of the human experience, although sometimes it ends up biting us in the backside.  “See? That’s where they get ya..”  as my grandfather used to say about loss leader ads for the early bird special at the diner.

Now on to your concern that you might be selfish or unenlightened.  First, the people who are truly concerned that they might be selfish or unenlightened, are typically the least selfish  and the most enlightened people.  The rest of the hooligans are out there gettin’ what they want on the material plane NOW, NOW, NOW and not worrying about all this spiritual hoo-ha or anyone else’s feelings.

At any given point in our lives, most of us are simultaneously “attached” ( or selfish, as you put it ) about some things,  and “enlightened” about others.  I think if you can enjoy your attachment without hurting yourself or others, it’s an OK thing.  We are after all, human beings in physical bodies who  “came to town” at least in part to enjoy this human experience.  But all things in moderation, right?  When it starts to hurt, it’s time to at least take a shot at detachment; something you, Cosmicdebris, seem pretty conscientious about.

Now how to do the detachment?  Bigger minds than mine have been working on that in the lab for a really long time . Of course you and I can try to study and take some clues from them.

But something has just occurred to me that might help us with this. It’s an idea that usually helps me relative to the concept of forgiveness, but maybe it would help with this attachment thing, too.   I look at the person ( which could be myself sometimes ) I’m trying to forgive, and I sort of visualize them inside a framework of whatever their limitations at the time.  I sort of put a mental frame around them and say,to myself, “So and So, being who he or she is or was at the time could have done nothing else but what he or she did.  And that’s what happened and it’s done now.”

Does it make me suddenly like the person more than I did before?  Generally not.  But I don’t feel mad any more, and I don’t feel interested in thinking about whatever happened that made me mad or hurt me.

Maybe we could apply this to our attachment issue.  We put a mental frame around the thing we wanted, and can’t have anymore.  We say to ourselves,  “Conditions being what they are, or were, we could not have this thing for any more time than we had it.”  And maybe if we do that often enough we get detached.  And maybe eventually we can even take out the memory of this thing we had for a while and enjoy looking at it and not feel sad that it isn’t here anymore.

In conclusion, I leave you with this classic song about “over the top” attachment. ( The kind that does feel sooooo good while it’s going.)

Our first advice request is here!

Dear friends,

Hurrah!  Just when I was thinking I’d better come up with some fake reader questions; ( For instance, fake someone would write in and ask  anxiously if they really have to stop wearing their white patent leather pants after Labor Day.  My fake response would be:  “Why did you wear them before Labor Day?  And more importantly how?”)  we have been sent our first real, actual reader advice request!

This comes to us from our friend who goes by the Interwebz name of  Turdhurdler.

TH writes:

“I have an issue with an old friend.  We have known each other for 18 years and have supported each other through some tough times, but us both having children has been pulling us apart, rather than together.  She is very competitive and is constantly bragging about how smart her kids are.  I feel like it’s a competition and it makes me uncomfortable.  I don’t feel the need to brag about my kids and their abilities, and when I’m out with my friends, I usually want to talk about things other than the kids.  This situation makes me just want to avoid her, and I don’t know what to say or how to tactfully handle this.”

Dear TH,

I think  the reason you feel like this situation is a competition, is because your friend is constantly competing you, even though you’re not competing back.

It’s no wonder you feel uncomfortable, competition is not what friendship is supposed to be about.  Friendship is supposed to give us fun and support and companionship.

There are areas in life where competition is an acceptable and necessary thing; work or business for instance.  It’s even fine to have a little healthy competition with a friend when you’re playing a game or sport  together. But real friends don’t constantly conduct PR campaigns about their lives around each other.

You say that having kids is  what is pulling you apart as friends, but I don’t think that’s the case.  I think it’s this woman’s inability to behave like a friend that’s pulling you apart. Narcissism like this doesn’t pop up over night in a grown adult. Maybe you didn’t notice it so much before,  or maybe she’s seized upon using her kids as a supposedly socially acceptable venue for blameless bragging.

I understand that this is difficult since you’ve known this person so long.  Indeed, 18 years is a long time to know someone, and it seems like you share some important memories with her.

However, her behaviour  is making it so you don’t  even want to be in room with her. You have two choices, either let the friendship dissolve through avoidance, or at least try to have an honest, calm conversation with her about the situation.

If you choose the second, I would just come right out and ask her  calmly why she’s so competitive about her kids vs. yours, and why she feels the need to brag about them so much, absolutely every time you  speak  to each other.

There’s a big possibility she’ll be offended because someone who behaves this way generally doesn’t have the self-awareness to admit to her own behaviour.  But at least you’ll have cleared the air, and you can feel like you tried to communicate with someone you’ve known for so long, instead of walking away without a word.

Love,

Daisy

Dear ones,

Wit and wisdom doesn’t grow on trees.  Please consider a donation to help Daisy get through the second “National Financial Inconvenience” she’s experienced since her bohemian New York artist days of 1931.  Any and all contributions will be deeply appreciated.

What is Your Stuff Really Worth?

The bargain of a lifetime, I'm sure.

“Have you noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?” – George Carlin

This is yet another article inspired by random things my neighbors happen to leave outside their homes.

I took this photo the other day while on a stroll in my general environs.  Here are the thoughts I had upon viewing this item, in the order that they occurred.

a) Oh yeah, sure it still works.

b) Trusting, aren’t we?  You leave a supposedly perfectly functional air conditioner out on the curb, with a sign stating your price. You presume that no one driving by will just snap that sucker up, without knocking on your door to hand you your much deserved $75.  Have you people never heard of Craigslist for crying out loud?

c) Dang. My own, older air conditioner is at this moment currently in the shop for repairs, and it’s going to cost like $40 more than that.

AND FINALLY

d) You know, even if it worked better, and was cheaper, I wouldn’t want some stranger’s old air conditioner in my home.  I want my own old air conditioner at home.

We mocked that woman on the Real Utterly in Denial Housewives of New Jersey because she wouldn’t live in a previously  owned house because “other people’s houses are gross”. Obviously this is taking the concept to a ridiculous extreme.

But where do you draw the line?  Lots of us rightfully enjoy scoring a great looking piece of vintage clothing, but what about vintage shoes?  Would a quick spray of Lysol in the interior make you rest easy that they are free of “other people’s cooties”? You don’t see a lot of  gently used vintage socks for sale.

Why is it that we can’t be objective about our stuff once we’ve had it for a while?

Does this  lack of objectivity extend to people too?  I’m thinking of one time where I was talking to a man at a social occasion,just talking. And his wife or significant other comes over, and throws herself all over the guy and stares daggers at me, obviously concerned that I’m up to no good.  Meanwhile I’m thinking “Wait, what?  There was not even a hint of flirting going on.  From either side.  I do not even find this person attractive.”

I guess she just thought her stuff was the shit.

Precisely how much crap will you allow on the lawn of your life?

I took this photo some time this past February or March I think, when I was taking my daily walk in the general environs of my home.

Don't hold back; tell us how you really feel.

I think what made me want a record of this charming little wooden sign was not only its daring dual meaning expression of hostility, ( did the writer literally merely mean dog crap, or metaphorical crap or both?), followed by the polite “Thank you”  but the fact that as I walked down the street, and then turned the corner, I discovered 5 IDENTICAL SIGNS in front of other houses. This was no mere whim; this was an anti-crap campaign.

Before the “Tired of your crap” campaign ended, I saw one more sign on someone’s lawn.  It  said “Please keep your dog off my grass.”  The author decided to forego the “tired of your crap” bit.  It was written on a  flimsy piece of cardboard  instead of wood.  It could easily have dissolved under the next batch of precipitation.

Even the handwriting seemed slightly shy; almost apologetic.  I imagined the author of the cardboard sign being approached by the leader of the neighborhood anti-crap campaign.  “All right Jerry, we’re putting the  anti-dog crap signs out first thing Saturday morning.  There’s no middle ground.  Are you with us or against us? ”  At which time Jerry said, ” Well yeah, of course I’m anti-dog crap.  I mean, that goes without saying.  But I don’t want to upset anyone.  After all, we do all have to live together, don’t we?”

All of this brings me to this question; how much crap do you allow on the lawn of your life? How much do you worry about upsetting someone by telling them that they are full of crap?  Or that they are leaving their crap on your lawn?

To some extent it seems we all consider it a mandatory part of a friendship to listen to a friend talk incessantly about work and love life problems they refuse to do anything to resolve, to pretend their new significant others aren’t hostile pricks,  to clog up our busy schedules with appearances at their custody trials, interventions and bail hearings.

I’ll give you an example.  I once had a friend who was living with an ex-boyfriend she had actually broken up with two years previously.  ( They had gotten a  rent to buy deal on a great place just before they broke up, and he begged her to help him hang on to it. ) They were both seeing other people, and yet she was repeatedly vexed by all manner of his living habits, and obviously still angry about his treatment of her the last few years of their relationship, which to be fair had been pretty bad.  She was also still quite jealous of the guy’s new relationship, even though she was seeing someone new, too.  What did this crap have to do with yours truly?  Absolutely nothing, say it again.

I believe I would be a full year and a half younger if I could only have back all the time I listened to this friend on the phone hashing and rehashing the same details of her life with this guy, her various regrets, and her wishes for only the worst for this schmuck.  At some point I gave up even trying to offer sensible advice;  don’t live with this person anymore, or if you must live with him, try to ignore him.  Or hey, light bulb moment, GET A THERAPIST.

One time I cooked an entire chicken and rice dinner from scratch while listening to this girl repeating the same story I’d heard dozens of times before.  I pretty much ruined a perfectly good bamboo steamer I had the vegetables in,  because she distracted me and I didn’t notice it had tipped over on the pot.

But that was long ago and far away.  I  stared at my poor charred  bamboo steamer, and said “Enough”. I haven’t spoken to that person in a very long time.  I don’t allow nearly that much metaphorical crap on my lawn anymore. The  friends I have today are all of a much higher grade.   But I still wonder sometimes what rationalizations and pretenses are necessary to keep friendships together.   What are your boundaries?  How much metaphorical crap will you allow on the lawn of your life?

Will give personal advice for food…

Wait, that can’t be right.  If I were really talented at  giving advice, why would I need food? ( Although, doesn’t everyone need food?  You know, unless you’re a Breatharian. )

OK, what I meant to say was, “Do what you truly enjoy, and the food will follow.”  Isn’t that what they say in the  “Geez, get a career already”  books?

Let me start this one more time.  People sometimes find my advice helpful.  So I thought I would start a feature on Daisy Sage Says called “Ask Daisy Sage”.    Just spill your guts to me. That’s right, spill it all out. You know you’ve been dying to.   You’re among close, anonymous friends here.

As soon as I get wind of two or three juicy problems to tackle, er, sensitive issues  that my friends need guidance with, I will write the  inaugural “Ask Daisy Sage” column.

Trust me. I'm Daisy Sage.

Please write to me at the special official e-mail address I have created for just this purpose:  Ask.Daisy.Sage@gmail.com and we will get this party started, er, solve all your problems so you can live happily ever after.

PS: I’m a pretty good dream interpreter, too, if you have one that needs interpreting.

Welcome to Daisy Sage Says

Welcome to Daisy Sage Says.

If you’re anything like me, it’s happened to you on occasions too numerous to count: you’re at a party or some social event tossing down the free cocktails, and someone says to you, “Say, you have the fresh, unique point of view that the masses are simply panting to hear.  Have you ever considered starting an anonymous  blog under the identity of a character from a relatively obscure 1930s film?”

Actually that’s never happened to me.  Maybe it was all that free booze talking.  However I’m sure I’ve been at parties where people start telling me absolutely everything about their blogs.  Really, everything.  During such times, as I’ve attempted to appear interested, and simultaneously undressed  with my eyes a new  tray of fried shrimp coming out of the kitchen, I probably thought, “Yeah? I’ve got opinions too, pal.”  Which is practically the same thing as what I thought happened, right?

At any rate, I’ve been writing comments and some online articles under the Daisy Sage moniker for a while now, and I thought I might push the boat out a bit here, as it were. I’d just like to thank Botswana Meat Commission, the fearless leader and founder of the website  Crasstalk,  for publishing some of articles I either wrote or co-wrote on Crass.

You can read them here: Why We Can’t Dress Ourselves,  (  an entertaining rant about trying to find cute clothes larger than size 2 on a working person’s budget.  Also, about getting  trapped in a dress in the H&M try on room. ) Clark Gable Takes His Shirt Off For You: Fun With Movies of the 1930s and 40s ( an introduction to some great movies of that era, and links to some free movie downloads ).  And here’s one I’m particularly proud of:   Unsung Country Funk Soul Genius: The Back Story on Singer Songwriter Jim Ford

I would also like to give a special shout out to some of the moderators of Crasstalk who work for free to keep things going smoothly at that site, and add so much to it with their sparkling personalities: Dancing Queen, BooBoo Kitteh, Dogs of War, and the ever popular The Grand Inquisitor.  They have also been known to help a new blogger such as myself figure out the little idiosyncrasies of Word Press in addition to their other duties. ( If I left anyone out please forgive me. Just let me know with a guilt inducing message, and I will retroactively thank you here.)

And so we begin.

Like what you read?  Wit and wisdom doesn’t grow on trees, pal.

Seriously,  any and all love offerings to help Daisy Sage get through the next great financial inconvenience since her bohemian days in 1931 are deeply and sincerely appreciated.